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MassagetDate: Saturday, 2008-10-11, 2:15 PM | Message # 31
Colonel
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Classifying vodka in IT style
0.1 l - demo version;
0.25 l - trial version;
0.5 l - personal edition;
0.7 l - professional edition;
1.0 l - network edition;
1.75 l - enterprise;
3 l - for small business;
5 l - corporate edition
Bucket of vodka - extreme edition
Sea of vodka - global edition
Bottle of samagon - home edition;
"На посошок" - Service pack;
Рассол с утра - Recovery tool;
Snaks - plugins;
Beer - patch;
coca-cola, fanta, 7-UP - trojan viruses


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g21y2y_5KoY&feature=related
 
LALADate: Monday, 2008-10-13, 11:35 PM | Message # 32
Colonel
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Computer Problem Report Form

1. Describe your problem:
__________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
__________________________________________

__________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
__________________________________________

__________________________________________

4. Problem Severity:

A. Minor__
B. Minor__
C. Minor__
D. Trivial__

5. Nature of the problem:

A. Locked Up__
B. Frozen__
C. Hung__
D. Shot__

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__

7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__

9. Have you made it worse? Yes__

10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__

12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__

13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

14. If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?
__________________________________________

15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? __________________

16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?
__________________________________________

17. If "nothing" explain why you were logged in.
__________________________________________

18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

19. How does this problem make you feel? ____________________________

20. Tell me about your childhood. ___________________________________

21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__

22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__

biggrin biggrin biggrin biggrin

Added (2008-10-13, 11:35 Pm)
---------------------------------------------
To my darling husband......

Dear John,

I am sending you this letter in a bogus software company envelope so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your IBM computer entered our lives two years ago.

The children are doing well. Tommy is 7 now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good, but yours was excellent! The chair and the back of your head are very realistic. You would be proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned 3 in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jen, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am also doing well. I went blonde about a year ago and was delighted to discover that it really is more fun. I had the living room painted last spring. I'm not sure if you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut air holes in the drop cloth so you wouldn't smother. Well, dear, I must be going. Uncle Lars - Mr. Swenson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of thing while we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup, and bring your meals to your desk, -just the way you like it. I hope you and IBM have a lovely time while we are gone.

Tommy, Jen and I think of you often - try to remember us while your disks are booting.

Love, Mary.

 
theDustDate: Saturday, 2008-10-18, 10:00 PM | Message # 33
Newcomer
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22:22:08 К нам приходит Dalila (non_blonde@mail.ru)
22:22:17 Dalila: heyyyy
22:22:36 theDust: Dalila: wb
22:22:55 Dalila: theDust: thanx
22:23:03 Dalila: theDust: any chat,so far?
22:23:24 theDust: Dalila: doesn't look like
22:23:43 Dalila: theDust: should we chat up the ppl,what u think?)
22:24:21 chess покидает чат
22:24:21 Dalila покидает чат
22:24:21 theDust: Dalila: I'm looking at all of that from a pissimistic point of view
22:24:39 К нам приходит Dalila (non_blonde@mail.ru)
22:25:37 theDust: Dalila: wb
22:25:37 Dalila покидает чат
22:25:41 theDust: lol
22:25:48 К нам приходит Dalila (non_blonde@mail.ru)
22:26:22 theDust: Dalila: it would be tremendously difficult to chat up people with your connection smile
22:26:23 Dalila покидает чат


best regards,
 
LALADate: Sunday, 2008-10-19, 0:26 AM | Message # 34
Colonel
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Messages: 194
Reputation: 5
Status: Offline
DNS User: I can't get on the Internet.

DNS Help Desk: Are you sure you used the right password?

DNS User: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

DNS Help Desk: Can you tell me what the password was?

DNS User: Five stars.



DNS User: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer,

but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.



DNS Help Desk: How may I help you?

DNS User: I'm writing my first e-mail.

DNS Help Desk: OK, and what seems to be the problem?

DNS User: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?


DNS Help Desk: What anti-virus program do you use?

DNS User: Netscape.

DNS Help Desk: That's not an anti-virus program.

DNS User: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.



• "How much do Windows cost, and do you have to buy each one separately?"

• Customer: "How much do Windows cost?"
Tech Support: "Windows costs about $100."
Customer: "Oh, that's kind of expensive. Can I buy just one window?"

• Tech Support: "Do you have any windows open right now?"
Customer: "Are you crazy woman, it's twenty below outside..."

• "I try to avoid using Microsoft. That's why I use MS-DOS."


• Tech Support: "How can I help you?"
Customer: "Well, everything is working fine, but there is one program that is not."
Tech Support: "What program is it?"
Customer: "It's called 'MSDOS Prompt'."
Tech Support: "What's wrong with it?"
Customer: "Well, I click on it, a black screen shows up with NOTHING but a sign that reads: 'C:\WINDOWS>', and it just sits there and doesn't do anything. I have to turn off the system to go back to Windows."

• Customer: "File manager? What's that?"
Tech Support: "How long have you had your computer?"
Customer: "Three years."


 
anomaliaDate: Monday, 2008-10-20, 5:30 PM | Message # 35
Newcomer
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Oh the Internet is slow

Oh, the network outside is frightful,
But on campus, it's so delightful,
Our packets have nowhere to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

It doesn't show signs of stopping,
All our packets, our hosts are dropping;
Bandwidth is turned way down low,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

When we finally connect to a site,
It's time to go back to the dorm;
But if I could stay here all night,
I could submit their Web form.

The network is slowly dying,
And, I fear, we're still denying,
But as long as Sprint is the way to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.


we2
 
LALADate: Monday, 2008-10-20, 8:05 PM | Message # 36
Colonel
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Messages: 194
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CONVERSATIONS WITH TECHNICAL SUPPORT

• Tech Support: "What version of the Mac OS are you using?"
Customer: "Word 6.0."

• Tech Support: "What browser are you using, Netscape or Microsoft?"
Customer: "Netscape."
Tech Support: "Could you read to me what it says at the top of the window?"
Customer: "'Global Travel Conference - Microsoft Internet Explorer'."

• Tech Support: "Are you installing on a Mac?"
Customer: "No, I'm using a 3.5" thingee on a disk."

• Tech Support: "This has Windows 98 on it -- did it have Windows 98 or 95 on it when it was sent out for repair?"
Customer: "I think it had Office 97."

• Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"

• Customer: "I keep getting an error message whenever I try using the MSDOS mode in Windows 95."
Tech Support: "Can you describe what happens?"
Customer: "Well, I keep getting a black screen with an error message saying, 'CWINDOWS>'."

• Tech Support: "which drive is your CD ROM?"
Customer: "the top one."

• Customer: "Do I hit 'F' and '8' at the same time?"

• Tech Support: "Your password will be...a small 'a' as in apple, a capital 'V' as in Victor, the number '7' "
Customer: "Is that a capital '7'?"

• Tech Support: "Ok, let's try once more, but use lower case letters..."
Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."


 
MassagetDate: Monday, 2008-11-10, 10:45 PM | Message # 37
Colonel
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Quote (LALA)
To my darling husband......

Dear John,

I am sending you this letter in a bogus software company envelope so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your IBM computer entered our lives two years ago.
.......

I have hired a housekeeper to take care of thing while we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup, and bring your meals to your desk, -just the way you like it. I hope you and IBM have a lovely time while we are gone.

Tommy, Jen and I think of you often - try to remember us while your disks are booting.

Love, Mary.

Haha, you are not so far either to get such a message soon. :DDDDDDDDD

Quote (LALA)
Customer: "File manager? What's that?"
Tech Support: "How long have you had your computer?"
Customer: "Three years."

Seriously, what's file manager? I use computer... umm, lemme remember..... since 2000.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g21y2y_5KoY&feature=related
 
LALADate: Friday, 2008-11-14, 5:12 PM | Message # 38
Colonel
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Quote
Seriously, what's file manager? I use computer... umm, lemme remember..... since 2000.

A file manager is a computer program that provides a user interface to work with file systems. The most common operations used are create, open, edit, view, print, play, rename, move, copy, delete, attributes, properties, search/find, and permissions. Files are typically displayed in a hierarchy. Some file managers contain features inspired by web browsers, including forward and back navigational buttons.

People, I wonder. do you have a sense of humour? If - yes, then you can share here!


 
MassagetDate: Friday, 2008-11-14, 7:00 PM | Message # 39
Colonel
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Quote (LALA)
People, I wonder. do you have a sense of humour? If - yes, then you can share here!

if no? biggrin


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g21y2y_5KoY&feature=related
 
LeoDate: Sunday, 2008-12-14, 7:50 AM | Message # 40
Sergeant
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LALA, biggrin biggrin biggrin where do you find such jokes? happy lol I know Russian, but as i read, only English is allowed here cry

Added (2008-12-14, 7:50 Am)
---------------------------------------------
anomalia, biggrin biggrin

 
anomaliaDate: Friday, 2008-12-19, 3:49 PM | Message # 41
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Leo, wink If ur joke is very funny, put it happy Hope admin will understand you laugh

we2
 
MassagetDate: Tuesday, 2008-12-23, 10:21 AM | Message # 42
Colonel
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Quote (anomalia)
Oh the Internet is slow

Oh, the network outside is frightful,
But on campus, it's so delightful,
Our packets have nowhere to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

I guess the tune is similar to "let it go, let it go, let it go" )))

Added (2008-12-23, 10:21 Am)
---------------------------------------------
Интеллигентный секс:

>> - Лидия, идемте совершим половой акт.
>> - Да, Эдуард, мое настроение также коитально.
>> - Снимите одежду.
>> - И вы, мой друг.
>> - Лидия, ваша грудь правильной формы.
>> - Эдуард, ваша эрекция мощна.
>> - Давайте применим позу 83. В этом случае проникновение оптимально.
>> - Будьте со мной тактичны.
>> - Я ввожу пенис к вам во влагалище, Лидия.
>> - Я охвачена страстью, Эдуард. Тело мое пылает. Чуть повыше, если можно.
>> - Начинаю фрикции.
>> - Можете увеличить амплитуду, Эдуард.
>> - Лидия, ваша грудь правильной формы.
>> - Спасибо, Эдуард. Ваши фрикции не оставляют меня равнодушной.
>> - Продолжаем соитие.
>> - Эдуард. Я кульминировала.
>> - Я тоже, Лидия. Достаточно бурно.
>> - Спасибо.
>> - Спасибо


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g21y2y_5KoY&feature=related
 
LALADate: Monday, 2008-12-29, 11:02 AM | Message # 43
Colonel
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Quote (Massaget)
if no? biggrin

Some really don't have, but not all!

Now try and translate ur Russian joke


 
MassagetDate: Wednesday, 2008-12-31, 4:29 PM | Message # 44
Colonel
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Quote (LALA)
Now try and translate ur Russian joke

shy shy shy shy shy


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g21y2y_5KoY&feature=related
 
LALADate: Wednesday, 2008-12-31, 5:21 PM | Message # 45
Colonel
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Quote (Massaget)
shy shy shy shy shy

Maybe fore some people my jokes are incomprehensible... but for me they are funny

Opsss...don't have jokes.... buuuuuuuuut, will find!


 
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