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adminDate: Monday, 2007-10-22, 4:23 AM | Message # 1
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This thread is for posting jokes, anecdotes and funny stories (In English of course!). The main banner for the thread: More jokes - less comments! biggrin

Message edited by admin - Monday, 2007-10-22, 4:23 AM
 
_NimFi_Date: Tuesday, 2007-10-23, 2:52 AM | Message # 2
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A man is driving down an old country road.
A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction.
As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!"
The man immediately leans out his window and yells, "BITCH!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds a curve he crashes
into a huge pig in the middle of the road and dies..........
if only men would listen.....

Added (2007-10-23, 2:52 Am)
---------------------------------------------
A rabbit is running happily through the woods and he bumbs into a giraffe rolling a joint.
he says "mr. giraffe, why do u do that to yourself? why don't u come run free in the forest with me. you'll have a lot of fun." the giraffe looks at the joint and he throws it away and goes running with the rabbit. theycome across an elephant about to blow some coke and the rabbit says: "mr.elephant, why do you do that? wouldn't you rather run free in the forest with me? we're having a great time." so the elephant throws down his mirror and razor and goes running with the rabbit and the giraffe. a little while down the road, the group of three come a cross a lion about to shoot up. the rabbit says: "mr. lion, why do you do this? think of your health. come running with us, happy and free." The lion put down his needle and beat the crap outta the rabbit. the elephant and giraffe were in shock and they said: "mr. lion, why did you do this, the rabbit was just trying to help. The lion replies "the little shit, he always has me running around the woods like an idiot when he's on exctasy." megaphone

 
LuGGaGe_with_legsDate: Wednesday, 2007-10-24, 9:51 AM | Message # 3
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lol
 
LuGGaGe_with_legsDate: Thursday, 2007-11-01, 7:39 AM | Message # 4
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Bush and his secretary... Conversation...

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China .
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China .
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China ?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China .
Condi: Hu.
George: The main man in China !
Condi: Hu is leading China
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China ?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China ?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East .
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China ?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China ?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China . Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East ! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars.

lol

 
LALADate: Sunday, 2007-11-18, 8:00 PM | Message # 5
Colonel
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Disney Password
My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters." blahblah lol

Added (2007-11-18, 8:00 Pm)
---------------------------------------------
Great Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages. biggrin


 
PJDate: Friday, 2007-12-14, 3:39 PM | Message # 6
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1. To find a woman u need time and money.
Woman = Time x Money
2. Time is money, so
Time = Money
3. Therefore
Woman = Money x Money, or
Woman = Money©÷
4. Money is the root of all Problems
Money = ¡îProblems
5. Therefore
Woman = ¡îproblems©÷

Woman = problems

Added (2007-12-14, 3:39 Pm)
---------------------------------------------
WORDS WOMEN USE
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting! dressed , this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man.
"That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
Oh, and before we forget ...
"Whatever"
...it's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!

Added (2007-12-14, 3:39 Pm)
---------------------------------------------
!!!!BLOW JOBS!!!!

WHAT A GIRL HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. M y ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head.
Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probabl y best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."

WHAT A MAN HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT

1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't,we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!
6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.
7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.
8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!
12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep."
13. If you swallow, th en you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

Added (2007-12-14, 3:39 Pm)
---------------------------------------------
The Husband Store

A brand new store has just opened in Halifax that sells Husbands. When women
go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the
entrance: "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the
products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a
particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT
go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kid and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 -These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help
with Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with
Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this
floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just
across the street.

The 1st floor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.


I thinks this should win the coolest signature award of the year!!
 
LuGGaGe_with_legsDate: Saturday, 2007-12-29, 5:29 AM | Message # 7
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lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol
 
polevectorDate: Thursday, 2008-02-07, 4:21 PM | Message # 8
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LuGGaGe_with_legsDate: Tuesday, 2008-02-26, 6:07 AM | Message # 9
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In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft
error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict
construction rules - each poem has only 17 syllables; 5 syllables in the
first, 7 in the second, 5 in the third. They are used to communicate a
timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful
insight through extreme brevity.

Here are 16 actual error messages from Japan. Aren't these better than
"Your computer has performed an illegal operation"?

Below, the essence of Zen:
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

First snow, then silence.
This thousand-dollar screen dies
So beautifully.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao-until
You bring fresh toner.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

biggrin biggrin biggrin

 
zettoDate: Saturday, 2008-03-08, 5:08 AM | Message # 10
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TODAY IS THE 8th OF MARCH!!!!Dear beautiful ladies, from the bottom of my heart I congratulate you on the 8th of March! On this spring holiday I wish you to stay always as charming,as smart , as admired as u are now!!!It is your holiday today,and i wish for all of your wishes to come true! U,ladies,encourage us,men to do any tipe of thing just so u'll be close to us!I also want to say that u should be proud of being a woman,because to me woman means a girlfriend ,a mother,friend,a sister,grandmum-LIFE IN ITSELF!!!You are beautatious living creatures that forfill the life on this planet Earth.And this is me -Mark ZeTTo speaking to u,and i think all of men think the same!HAPPY 8th OF MARCH!!!THANK YOU FOR your EXISTENCE!!!

Added (2008-03-08, 5:03 Am)
---------------------------------------------
JOKES:))
A man walks into a bar and asks the bar man for a pint. while the bar man is poaring him a pint, he sees a dish full of penuts sitting on the counter. the penuts said to him your nice.the man then said to the bar man that he was going to the toilet. when he came out of the toilet there was a fag machine sitting next to him. the fag machine said to him your horrible. the man then goes up to the bar man and saidthat the penuts said he was nice but the fag machine said that i was horrible. the bar man then said the penuts were complemetry and the fag machine was out of order

Did you hear about the Irish shoe shop.
Buy 1 shoe and get the other free

Q. What goes clip clop, clip clop, BOOOM!!!
A. A horse in a mine field

A girl walks into a supermarket and buys the following:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single frozen dinner
The checkout guy looks at her, smiles, and says, "Single, huh?"
The girl smiles sheepishly and replies, "How'd you guess?"
He says, "Because you're ugly."

A man goes to his wardrobe to find his jacket on fire. Oh good, I've always wanted a blazer.

Wife to Husband - "You know you remind me of the Ocean ! "
Husband: "What you mean Wild and Untamed ! "
Wife: No, you make me sick !

Question: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
Answer: Because they taste funny.

Added (2008-03-08, 5:08 Am)
---------------------------------------------
Lady rushes into a shop, picks up a can of fly spray and says to the assistant,"Is this good for flies? "No madam,"is the reply."It kills them"


-=ZeTTo=-
 
LALADate: Monday, 2008-03-10, 12:58 PM | Message # 11
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LuGGaGe_with_legs, lol :lol:

 
zettoDate: Monday, 2008-03-10, 1:43 PM | Message # 12
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ok heres some more:
Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed.

Now they're in heaven, and God is sitting on the great golden throne.

God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replies, "Well, I believe that the internal combustion Engine is the root of all evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."

God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things, and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain, but not inhaling."

God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

God then addresses Bill Gates. "Bill Gates, what do you believe in?"

Bill Gates said, "I believe you're in my chair."

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under you vehicle... From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Your family is so poor, when I went to your house I stepped on a cigarette and your Daddy shouted, “Hey, who turned off the heater!”

Yo family is so poor that when I went inside your house I accidentally stepped on an ant
and your whole family came out singing, "Clap your hands, stomp your feet, thank the Lord that we got meat!"

You're so stupid that when police tell you that you broke the speed limit, you offer to fix it.


-=ZeTTo=-
 
LALADate: Monday, 2008-03-10, 4:11 PM | Message # 13
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Chineese hackers have hacked Pentagon's main server.
From sequrity service report:
1)Each Chinese tried to enter one password
2)Each second Chinese tried word "Maodzydun" as password
3)After 657983241-st attempt server agreed that correct password is Maodzydun.

Из отчета службы безопасности "... по поводу взлома китайцами сервера
пентагона":
1) Каждый китаец попробовал один пароль.
2) Каждый второй пароль был "maodzedun"
3) На 657983241 -й попытке сервер согласился что у него пароль "maodzedun" tongue




Message edited by LALA - Tuesday, 2008-03-11, 1:37 PM
 
zettoDate: Tuesday, 2008-03-11, 11:22 AM | Message # 14
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LALA, HAHA!love the chineese hacker joke!!! hands haha lol

Added (2008-03-11, 11:22 Am)
---------------------------------------------
LALA, HAHA!love the chineese hacker joke!!! hands haha lol


-=ZeTTo=-
 
LALADate: Tuesday, 2008-03-11, 1:43 PM | Message # 15
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zetto, yes, it an old joke, but still funny))

Added (2008-03-10, 4:11 Pm)
---------------------------------------------
Девушка-программер едет в трамвае, читает книгу. Старушка смотрит на девушку, смотрит на книгу, крестится и в ужасе выбегает на следующей остановке. Девушка читала книгу "Язык Ада".
wacko

sorry, for my Russian but couldn't translate it. angel


 
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