New Office Policy Dress Code
You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. If
we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you
are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress
poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you
may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just
right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturdays and Sundays.
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the funeral arrangements. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the
later afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch
hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three
minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense,
your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under
the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that
they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes
for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, compliments, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input
should be directed elsewhere